Walter's Last Tea Bag

“Now, was that really necessary? Does a beautiful thing that comes from an ugly place need to lose its glister? Or shall we all be gilders of gold?” Ole Grandpa said sadly as he looked at the poured out drink. Jonah shook her head in revulsion, Gerry shrugged since he had already finished off the second drink, and little Chatpers contemplated his barely touched drink for a moment before taking another sip. Ole Grandpa beamed back at him for his courage and motioned to Terry to go refill the tray with more drinks. “Every bit of my vodka is processed in this manner, with the flavored drinks being poured into the engine along with the potato fermentation. It all passes into that large funnel which is then further purified by the air bubbles and pressure that send it up to the surface to be bottled.” The group continued to the far end of the Factory as Ole Grandpa pointed to the various flavor distilling methods. The oranges were bashed with hammers drunkenly by giddy employees, the olives shaken about in a giant bin until there was nothing but the same thinly colored trickle of liquid coming out. All followed except Walter, whose eyes still rested on the giant funnel below the bin. His hands were already going for his zipper as he marched over to tea bag the very thing he had set his heart on since he had entered the factory. Every single person who drank Ole Grandpa’s vodka would be indirectly drinking his balls, consequences be damned. A furtive glance around showed that all the workers were as merrily intoxicated as ever and utterly oblivious to him or even the presence of the other contestants. Ole Grandpa was just launching into the complexities of using broken glass to drain pomegranate essence when Chatpers cried out, “Look at Walter! He’s putting his thingy on something again!” Everyone turned and stared at Walter, whose member was already out and mere centimeters from the funnel. Ole Grandpa spoke for everyone when he said, “Ah, young man, I really wish you wouldn’t do that.” It was unfortunate for Walter, who was so surprised at being caught that he failed to pay attention to his footing. Without a sound he slipped and plunged into the funnel, member running against the side of the pipe the entire way. Ole Grandpa shook his head and motioned to one of the drunk employees who was about to pour another load of vodka into a dirty car engine and down into the funnel. “Now see here, it won’t do any good if there’s a person down there. Just pump the system full of pressure and send him up to the top. He seems capable enough to get himself out of a vodka bottle.” With that, Ole Grandpa called the Vodka section of their tour to a close and they all headed towards the exit. “Well, at least he got to put more than his balls in the vodka everyone will drink,” Gerry muttered.