The inside of the laboratory resembled a high school chemistry classroom. Rows of black tables with beakers, computers, and other scientific instruments filled the room along with drunken men in lab coats. In one corner, a group of men were chanting as a colleague did a shot of a bubbling blue liquid. After coughing and gasping for several moments he gave a thumbs up and everyone around him cheered. “Now here are the miracles of miracles, the products so new they aren’t even out on the market yet. So amazing I won’t even bother to describe them, I’ll simply have to let you try. Now first up, something that Walter would’ve appreciated were he not woefully absent, a type of whiskey that no matter how much you drink it will never impair your...ah, manhood. Care for a shot?” Gerry gave it a taste and nodded, “It definitely tastes like whiskey.” They moved to the next row. “Here are two amazing discoveries. The first is a mixer that tastes good even warm and can mix with anything. Watch as I take a glass of rum, combine it with my mixer and then…yes, here Chatpers. What do you think?” He gave a tentative sip, and when he did not openly wretch even Jonah was startled. “After that, we have an energy drink that has been combined with alcohol.” Both the adult contestants laughed at this. “But Ole Grandpa, everyone knows those things are disgusting! You can’t poss-“ But he silenced them all with a finger to his lip and handed over a paper cup containing a strange orange liquid. After a small sip, Gerry immediately took a larger one then handed it over to Jonah who followed suit. “My God…it tastes good! That’s the most am-“ They both exclaimed simultaneously. “The most amazing thing ever? Why, as I said before, welcome to my lab of amazing creations!” Ole Grandpa said proudly. They walked up and down the rows, trying all manner of concoctions. A wine that when you drank it made you tequila drunk, a tequila that made you wine drunk! Pills that let you get wasted without blacking out, pills that relieved you of your sex drive so you wouldn’t do something stupid while drunk. When Jonah was rummaging in her purse for yet another cigarette, Ole Grandpa stopped her and gave her a cold drink. “I believe you will find your desire for nicotine duly relieved if you have just a few sips of my extraordinary nicotine beer!” Jonah took a sip, shrugged, and lit a cigarette anyways. As they neared the end of the lab and the samplings, they had all taken in quite a bit of alcohol. Jonah appeared to be getting downright tipsy while Gerry was still as numbly sober as ever. When they passed a tray of white tablets he paused to examine them. “Ah, you needn’t worry about those. Something for those unfortunate souls who cannot live in the safety of Drinkadoo. If you take one, it will sober you up instantly in the event some law enforcement agency has caught you.” Heading back towards the exit, Gerry reached over and pocketed a few.
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